seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
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