She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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