I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Randomize
