ya dads aren't the best wingmen
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
