i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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