I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
