just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
