My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I skipped work to stalk him.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
