Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
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