Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Randomize
