I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
All I want is dick and wine.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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