I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
