paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
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