apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
