i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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