I murdered the dance floor call the cops
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
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