apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
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