Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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