I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
