The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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