I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
