Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
