I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize