where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
