Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
