I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Randomize
