I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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