alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Randomize
