guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
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