I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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