If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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