They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
