Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
