Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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