At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
