Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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