that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
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