I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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