remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
