How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
