We're like a lot better than the average bears
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
