if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Randomize
