your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Randomize
