Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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