Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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