Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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