He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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