I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Randomize
