Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
