I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
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