It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
