Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
