last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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