I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
