You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
